We sit in silence to grasp at the unknown, to touch love, to become that which breeds life.
There is something deep within our natures. A guiding light if you will. A voice that always speaks of goodness. A voice that is always moving us towards more love, towards more life.
Can we hear it?
Sitting in silence is an attempt to become in tune with my own self, with my own voice. Now there is nothing to distract me, no noises, no conversations, no pre-occupations, there is only silence.
Yet, I am distracted, still there is noise. Now it is my own ideas, my own thoughts, my own day-dreams. Even as I sit here all alone, in the dark, with no sound to stir me, there is still noise. The mind reflects and reverberates all that it knows. It regurgitates all that it has recorded. My mind sits like a tape recorder attempting to empty itself. I watch all the taped and dreamed conversations float by.
At least now, I know what dreams my mind dreams.
Now that my thoughts have become observable, I can see in myself. I know what my mind is thinking. I begin to understand its patterns, and I see how it dictates my behaviors. Now I can see why I do the things that I do. I see my insecurities, my desires, my aversions. I see how they keep me from being loving.
Silence and service become inseparable. Silence is a way of cultivating ones tendency to love, Service is a way of observing that tendency in action.
For better or for worse, I know that my mind governs me. I see that much of who I am is just a product of thoughts and emotions that float by. How do I discipline my mind to respond with love despite any circumstance in life? As an exercise, I try to bring my attention to the present moment. My breathing is present here, my heart beating is present here, my body is present here. In this moment a feeling arises, that I am alive, that everything is okay in life. That everything is exactly as it should be. Meditation becomes gratitude.
Quickly, however, my mind runs away again. And a paradox blossoms: my mind’s running away is also a reality of the new present moment. So I accept this new reality and consciously move my mind back to my body, to my breathing, and to my heart beating. My mind finds its way back home again.
This exercise of bringing my mind’s attention back to the present moment becomes the anti-thesis to addiction. The last thing my mind wants to do is to observe breath coming in and out of the body. It would rather entertain itself with ideas, conversations, and dreams. This exercise helps create discipline, it strengthens my mind.
The more I am able to cultivate this effort, the more I am able to sit with a still mind, the more I am able to respond to life in a manner that is free from my own fears, free from my own insecurities, free from my own beliefs or ideas. It allows me to be available for others. To approach each moment, each task, each person with a sense of freedom, a sense of openness.
To meditate, I would observe the world around me, the world inside me. I would pay attention to where my thoughts wander, my heart beating, my breath coming and going, my emotions coming and going, life coming and going. Me getting older one moment at a time. I would pay attention to the world around me coming alive, the little noises that go unheard, the sights that go unseen, the beauty in everyday things. I would pay attention to time, to see how long a second feels when I am living present in the moment, how long does one hour feel when I have nothing to entertain me, how long a day feels when I am just by myself, consciously doing nothing all day. How long does one lifetime feel?
I might go for a small walk, just to observe the world around me, to see what is keeping everyone else so busy, to see why the world is moving at such a chaotically fast pace, to see if all this busyness is really headed somewhere or if it is just busyness for busyness sake.
I would see who I am, see if I like myself, see if I can stand myself. Maybe I would see if I am more than myself, or more than who I always thought I was. But most importantly, I would spend my time just being. Watching life takes its course.